Divine Personality
And so I find myself facing my God.
His only request from me is to love Him. I am distracted and look away. My attention focuses on my responsibilities, my desires, unfinished business, personal injuries, resentments, low self esteem, my own bad behavior.
He sweetly looks at me. I ask Him what He needs me to be. And he shows me that I am stuck in the roots, all mixed up in darkness and confusion, tangled in my own self deceptions, mired in an onslaught of earth and water, and ever full of thirst while lowly creatures feed off me. He says, lately, I am also like the stalks and stems being moved by wind, feeling the water and sun but not benefitting from them, and being only in a constant struggle to stay upright and solid. He says that I should become like the flower. As the flower, one can become all glory and beauty, fragrant and divine just like the pale pink blooms of my roses celebrating the perfection of spring.
Again I digress while swirling in my self-made confusion and sadness. Jealousy and fear begin to overtake me. He reminds me that all I receive is His anyway. What blessings others are bestowed are a matter between God and that person. How can I even dare to try and understand why someone else gets this or that?
Every form, experience, material gain, mental revelation are between me and the divine creator. It is the perfect antidote at any given moment for my returning to Him. Every minuscule detail is His reciprocation to my running away and feeling unworthy.
I wonder how many lives and how many millennia I have ignored God. I have tried to do it on my own. I have tried to succeed in this illusory world believing it was all me and wanting it to be all mine. It seems impossible to fathom the infinite patience of God. With infinite wisdom He is all powerful and all perfection . The most difficult quality for me to fathom is His patience of waiting forever for just one soul to come around.
I imagine I got close at times but faded away and all the while He stayed with me, waiting. I pray now less for prosperity or even a good life for my next incarnation. I plead for me to be in a form and circumstance where I can love him more and press further than I have in this life. My fear of my own oblivion to God as a new person is truly unbearable. It makes me try harder to get it right this time around.
